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Do you know what's worth fighting for,
When it's not worth dying for?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins.
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass.
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins.
that is an understatement.
Deng. Something has been wrong with my line. Maybe it's the line, but it seems like I'm the only one facing the problem! I don't know if it's my modem, or splitter or other technical stuffs. The light just keeps blinking like there's no tomorrow :O
Stupid connection.
Sigh. I have no updates, really. Or rather, I just prefer not updating any of the shit happening for the past few days. Things happen so all of a sudden that I don't know what to do or what to feel. In fact, there's nothing I can do about it. Too out of a sudden.
夜深了你还不想如睡, 你还在想着他吗?
你这样痴情到底累不累?
明知他不会回来安慰
只不过想好好爱一个人
可惜他无法给你满分
多余的牺牲,他不懂心疼
算了吧,就这样忘了吧
该放就放, 再想也没有用
傻傻等待, 他也不会回来
- Broken Strings by James Morrison.
Seems like there isn't any sleep for me tonight.
When I thought things couldn't get any more fucked up, they would find a way and become more fucked up than it already is.
I just don't get it.
What should I be feeling now? Angry? Sad? Or should I be regretful? I really don't know - cuz I feel none. When all my emotions are so crushed, so damn fucking crushed that it's hard to even breathe. Still, I could never be angry over this, over you.
As envious as ever. As pathetic as ever. What else could be left?
And all I could do was to stare into the screen and cry, reading it over and over again, refusing to close the conversation that had long gone dead. Reason? I don't really know. Cuz all I felt was a painful feeling in the heart, and nothing else. Maybe that's why.
Fuck. I'm not making sense anymore. I can't seem to put these feelings into words.
I had a dream I never should have had. I just fumbled into it and thought that it could've been mine to own. It hurts. It fucking hurts.
But why am I still like this? Oh, how I hate myself sometimes. Could I, at the very least, blame Time for this mess? Or maybe Fate. I don't know. I've never seen a goodbye this painful. A goodbye which I can't even figure out the reason for. Maybe it's just me being stupid.
Now, it's really goodbye already I guess. Take care you.
I just couldn't bring myself to fake a smile at the end.
イつまでモ心のナかにイる。
Just know that.
Till then... whenever it is.
So it was Marc's birthday bash last night over at Quattro, Winter. Don't ask why the pictures were all white, literally. Marc made it a rule that everyone had to wear all white with an accessory of any sort, including the guys.
Yea, you know the White Party you've seen in Season 2 of Gossip Girls? Yeap, something like that. Just that I didn't meet my Chuck last night hahaha wtf. Okay, yea back to the story.
It felt like a wedding party lol and the entire place was filled with people in white. So yea, Happy birthday Marc! I'm sure you enjoyed the party loads :D
I've been waiting. I don't know what I have been waiting for, but I have been waiting, so much that I find it so ridiculous. I feel as if I am anticipating something, expecting something - just that I do not know what it is. This doesn't really make sense.
I feel like telling the entire world, but I realised that it was such a small matter. Too small that it isn't anything worth mentioning. Cuz I'm too afraid the story will end the moment I begin telling. Now where do I start?
I hate this feeling. I can't help myself. I don't know what this is. I have a bad feeling.
I don't know what to say anymore. You see how lost this makes me? So much I have to say inside and it'll only become a jumbled string of words which will never make sense. I can't even put those feelings into words.
This funny little feeling. I don't know what you call it.
And it was Hennessy Artistry again yo!! This time at Quattro. The crowd was insane. It was so stuffy and hot in there that it was hard to even move from one place to the other. Ooh, the performances were good! Lenka and Boys like Girls :DD
No pictures of the performers though. It was too crowded, and I was too short so yea... try figuring that out x)
Yes, pictures of the night! Just a small little bit. The line these few days is quite screwed, so I'm too lazy to post it on blogger. Facebook ;-)
And guess who I met inside?
It's too messed up inside that I don't know where to start from.
Sorry, the previous post was deleted. Guess it wasn't something I should be blogging about. Too bad for those who missed it :P
Well, moving on to brighter stuffs. Ooh, I felt the earthquake today! Okay, not really. But yea, I did! Was playing mahjong at the Cousin's house at Taman Desa when we felt it. The entire floor was shaking (it was a condo) and I called my parents just to tell them that I was excited hahaha wtf. Sorry la, earthquakes aren't a normal thing in Malaysia. Okay, nothing cool. Meh.
Oh oh, I also managed to catch Nick and Jonny on tv! Haha it was so funny. Nick called halfway through the show and we had some laughs about it. Sigh, it's been so long since I've caught up with him. As for Kiwiboy, he's always everywhere - literally. So yeah.
Damn. Blogger is being a bitch tonight. It doesn't allow me to upload pictures. Well, technically it does. But the picture doesn't appear even after it says "Done". It's annoying me.
Ooh, Boys like Girls and Lenka are coming to town in 2 days' time! And Pei Ling, your Hsiao Hung Jen too :P
That's about it I guess. Ah, it's so easy to make my day. Seriously.
I'll never find my way out. It's a god damned circle. There's no exit.
Remember the post on Chace Crawford a few days ago? Chingy, I think I'll give him to you. I'm happy with Chuck now. Go, go... Take Nate as much as you want now :P
I love his quote in Season 1 of Gossip Girls when they were all confronting Serena. It's bloody classic.
Blair: What could be that bad? I've slept with Chuck in his limousine.
Chuck: Many times.
Nate: Yea, I've had sex with Serena during the wedding when Blair was my date... Once.
*everyone remained silent and looked at Chuck, expecting for something more scandalous*
Chuck: Well, I'm Chuck Bass.
Hahaha, that was so epic. Okay, you really gotta watch the series to understand it, but the brief picture is that Serena and Blair are best friends and Nate have been childhood sweethearts with Blair. As for Chuck, he was the womanizer.
that she refuses to wake up all the while. It must have been something beautiful.
Dreams, those things which we'll hardly remember the minute we wake up. Those vivid random images which we'll never understand. And sometimes, it might come in a flow - like a storyline. And there's always those that we'll remember so clearly as if it has happened in real life.
Today, I had one of those dreams. It was such a beautiful dream. It was the best dream I've ever had. I was so happy in my dream.
It was such a beautiful dream that I woke up to find myself sobbing pathetically.
It was such a beautiful dream that I thought to myself, if I were to continue the dream - I wouldn't mind not waking up at all.
It was such a beautiful dream that I got confused the moment I woke up; I even checked my phone, foolishly hoping that it was true even though the phone had nothing to do with my dream.
It was such a beautiful dream that it was delusional because it felt so real.
But it was just a dream, which means that I had to wake up eventually. Worst still, a loud ring of a mobile phone from somewhere outside the room ruptured the storyline which seemed so fragile - and it vanished away like smoke in the air.
I thought it would be okay if I ignored it long enough. If I ignored it completely, pretending it doesn't hurt and it doesn't matter, maybe it would slowly dissolve into the pool of forgotten memories. When they eventually became blurry, I thought I was getting good at this. I thought everything would appear as if it's eventually fallen into place even if it's as out of place as it always was. I thought that was the thing which people always told me, the thing which I thought was called moving on. Oh, I'm so sick of those words. As if I've never heard enough.
It was just a trick I've managed to pull, to fool the mind. To fool everyone. To fool myself.
Let's not try anymore. Cuz it's just so dysfunctional no matter how hard I try. Things bring you so high up there, just so that you could fall harder the next moment when you least expect it. Even in your dreams. They make you feel so real; just so that you'd wake up to find that it was just a dream and nothing else, just so that you'd wake up knowing that it was just a dream - and will only be a dream.
Let's not try anymore. Cuz I find myself waking up in tears after a stupid dream I had.
So pathetic.
Sometimes, it really baffles me and makes me think.
How deeply in love someone could ever be to be acting like this?
The many types of loves I've felt and seen in a short night, not involving myself of course.
And all caused a rather painful feeling in my heart - maybe cuz I helplessly let them do so.
The first one especially, the ironic love - it never fails to make me feel like shit. Ultimately shitty. The all time question: 就那么喜欢吗？No, the question was never posed to myself. Clear enough who it's directed to, no?
Those why's and if only's which I'll most probably won't bother anymore.
The second one, the perfect love - merely got me envious and happy at the same time.
Sometimes, you just never understand.
What has happened to us?
I was looking at the many folders of pictures in my laptop. Some made me smile, some made me nostalgic, and some gave a sour feeling to my heart. Many many pictures, different ones with different people, each writing a different chapter in my life.
How funny it is just looking at the pictures. I have this very bad habit. I tend to think of the time when the picture was taken and whatever we (the people in the picture and I) were doing at that point of time, or whatever kind of proximity we were at.
Some people remain exactly the same. We're still standing at the same point, doing the same things, talking about the same jokes we once made. Some have became closer as we've developed a greater bond as friends. And sadly, there's always some who's drifted away. It upsets me when I see pictures of myself and the people whom I used to be so close to, and now we're just a line above strangers. Or in a state where I can't find a word to define such relationship. And inevitably there's always those very favourite pictures I used to like so much and could never bring myself to delete them, if you know what I mean.
Those smiles, they were all so genuine.
What happened to them now?
Or maybe it's just the dysfunctional illusion which pictures always tend to give. The fact that we were all happy. Oh, how upsetting would it be if it were to be true.
I'm so thankful that I still have those who could still smile the same smile and take those pictures with me, never changing a bit.
