Sometimes, I really wished you slapped me instead.

Really.

Then maybe, I could've meant something to you.

Better in time.

I guess I deserved what I brought upon myself. All of it. You were definitely a real asshole to have done what you have done. But all in all, I guess I really deserved it. I have never been that scared and alone before. Really. Probably the longest, darkest walk in my life. I'm sure you'd know best at how chicken I can be. But I guess you don't really care the slightest bit anymore. That was when I learnt how heartless and cruel a person could be. Even a person who've once loved you with all that he/she is.

Time. Yeah, time would make everything better. I wouldn't know. But I surely hope it will.

It took me some time to digest it. The fact that how someone could treat another as such. Maybe the hatred is just too deep for them to be able to do that. And I understand. I'm quite hopeless, am I not? People tell me you were a real asshole. But all I could do was smile and shrugged it away, not being able to be mad at you.

I'm mad at myself sometimes though, at how useless I could be, the mere fact that I can't even be angry. It's also sad and pathetic, that there wasn't a single bit of self respect left in me. Maybe I thought that it didn't matter. Or maybe, we all just lost it somehow along the way without us even knowing.

But dear my once upon a time love, nothing is impossible. You always say it's impossible and whatnot, defying everything possible. How could you see any possibilities when you've already blinded yourself with the word impossible? You probably think I'm talking nonsense again. But do give it a thought when you're finally willing to.

Sometimes, I wonder how people could induce themselves into forgetting things. The memories, they haunt me everyday and everywhere. There's shadows of us everywhere I go. Even to the smallest corner, I see your face. I wonder if it's the same for you. Just wondering. Cuz it impresses me how you can wipe everything off your memory as if it's never happened. I admit it kills me inside, but what can I do but to mentally erase those images?

730 days of memory gone from your head just like that.

Take care. Till whenever.

I didn't know where to turn to.

See somehow I can't forget you,
After all that we have been through.

If you didn't know this,
Boy you mean everything.
All I know is,
I will be okay.

Was it all that easy?
To just put aside your feelings.

Since there's no more you and me,
It's time I let you go so I can be free.
And live my life how it should be.
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you.

It'll all get better in time.

- Better In Time; Leona Lewis.

Devastated. Disappointed.

Like a skyscraper.

Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching tear drops in my hands
Only silence, as it's ending,
Like we never had a chance.

Do you have to make me feel like there's nothing left of me?

Would it make you feel better
To watch me while I bleed?

All my windows still are broken,
But I'm standing on my feet.

You can break everything I am,
Like I'm made of glass,
Like I'm made of paper.

*

Pain. What exactly is pain?

When even cuts and wounds do not hurt as much as the void left in the heart.

The greatest pain for everyone,

Is probably the pain left unseen deep inside,

Masked by a forceful smile.

Hanya kau yang mampu.

Ku cuba redakan relung hati
Bayangmu yang berlalu pergi
Terlukis di dalam kenangan
Bebas bermain di hatiku

Cerita tentang masa lalu
Cerita tentang kau dan aku
Kini tinggal hanya kenangan
Kau abadi di dalam hatiku

Harusnya takkan ku biarkan engkau pergi
Membuat ku terpuruk rasa ingin mati
Derita yang mendera kapan akan berakhir
Hanya engkau yang mampu taklukkan hatiku

*

If this is a joke played on me, please stop it already. It's not funny at all.

Do you have to make me feel like there's nothing left of me?

Numbed.

Would the rain wash away all the pain?

My head, it's going crazy. It's spinning.

Stop it please.

Lobotomy, morphine, metyrapone.

Anything that could help ease the pain.

It's like walking on broken glass barefooted.

Kill me please.

End the pain already. For good.

I'm begging you.

Just because she's pretty..?

When can it ever get through to your head?

We found love in a hopeless place.

Yeap, it's the time for the mandatory year end post again.

I know I shouldn't start by being whiny and all but I think year 2011 hasn't exactly been treating me too well. Things took at 360 degree change through the entire year and things aren't really the same anymore. I don't know if the change is for the better or for worse, but yeah, let's keep an optimistic mind and hope it's for the better.

I don't even think that I wanna flashback through the entire year which has just passed us by. It was nothing but a big mess filled with tears and a sprinkle of laughter. Quite an emotional year I must say. Due to various reasons. But what I'm sure of is that, time really did fly - too fast in fact. Hello's and goodbye's, too many to count.

Excitement, anxiety, heartbreak, disappointment, drama - check.

Moving away from the darker side, 2011 wasn't exactly filled with 365 days of sadness/shit. It was heartwarming that I managed to catch up with the few of my close friends who flew back from overseas, some back for good. Unfortunately all of them came back different times of the year so we couldn't really all be together to catch up for old times' sake. Well, better this than not seeing them at all. Through the year, I also managed to gain a lot of experience in the working field and obviously helped me build my future path slowly. Back to studying for me next year I guess.

Partying has mellowed down by a lot through the year (It's the age I swear). Honestly, though still being rather young, I feel a tad bit too old to be partying like old times already. Sometimes I really wonder how I found the energy and stamina to be partying so hard like I did back then. Not that it's something to be proud about but yeah, still am proud to say I've lived my time and had my share of fun. Now it's more like mamak with a glass of limau ais :)

Relationships. Things come and go in life, and I guess relationships are just one of it. It's pretty obvious from all the previous posts I guess but yes, my relationship with the Smelly has ended. It was a great relationship we had and of course we've had our happy times together, but well, things had to come to an end. Things definitely weren't pretty but all in all, we'll be fine and we'll come out of this as better individuals I hope. Let's hope we'll meet someone new in the future and be happy with them. Who knows, they might even just be right next to us :)

Oh and I can drive much much better now compared to last year already! Yay.

As for New Year's resolution, just as last year's, I choose to have none. Not because I'm lazy just that I don't see a point in it anymore. What's the point in making New Year's resolution when most of us don't keep to it? Ask yourself, how many people actually last through the year keeping them?

Oh yeah, did I mention how my year have been filled with 9gag nonsense too? Which explains all the meme being placed in this post. To those who've never heard of 9gag, no matter what you do, do not, I mean do NOT enter the site. It's evil. It sucks all the soul in you and it's an endless dark pit in there. So for your goodness' sake, please refrain yourself from entering the site. I kid you not. Speaking from experience.

Anyhoots, a great sorry to anyone whom I've offended in any way through the year and a big thank you for all those who've been there when I was down. Have a blessed blessed new year to come!

And here, not in any specific sequence (in other words, random):

To you, honestly I have to say that I am indeed disappointed and sad in what we've became. Distance may separate people from each other, but I never knew it would tear us apart this much. I really miss the friendship we had few years back, we were closer than ever. Then distance came along and both of us met new people in our lives and eventually have different views/goals in life. Goodbye my friend. Take care while you're far far away. I'll always miss you, or at least who I once thought you were - my bestest friend once upon a time.

To you, this is also another time when "Sorry" wouldn't make things any better. I guess it has also been a rough year for you too. Since you've always been cryptic (and I know you are extremely smart), I know you'll be able to decipher this. It's not hard. May the sun shine again after the long great storm. Thank you for always being there supporting me when there was nobody else to hold me, despite yourself being burnt out. And no, I don't need no time machine. It's the future which matters, not the past. And I think I know where my future lies :)

To you, thank you so much for being such a great friend in the past few years. Always there when I needed you to (even though I was ditched once by you but I think we've pestered you enough on that time). I am also grateful that you have never worn a mask since Day 1 I met you and have always been true to your emotions. Cheesy much but may we always be this way even as time goes by.

To you, a thousand or a million "Sorry" would never bring you back or make things better. Thank you so much for the past 2 years. Meeting you and being your friend was probably a blessing in disguise and I was so lucky to have been loved by you once so dearly. I'll always remember your Two Is Better Than One song haha! Let's not mention the sorry part anymore, not in this post at least. It's been a rough year for us I'm sure and may you be much happier in the year to come. May your every day be filled with smiles and laughter. Take care please and thank you once again, for everything :)

Mmm, two new colour codes replacing the old ones heheh.

That's a wrap for the whole year! May 2012 not be the end of the world be a great year ahead with many many good things waiting for us! Lovers, be naughty and singles out there, go mingle!

Start thinking who you'd be kissing tomorrow night teehee :D

Me gusta!

To those thinking why in the world did I end the post with such an ugly face, it isn't exactly ugly. Do go to knowyourmeme.com and read up on me gusta wtf. Yeah, have a great NYE celebration!

x

Sorry that I loved you.

For all of the time that I tried for your smile
For making you think that I was worth the while
So your love love love love love would be mine.

For sending you flowers and holding your hand
That no one was there to take a stand
But then love love love made us blind.

And I'm so sorry that I hurt you
Sorry that I fell through
Sorry I was falling in love with you.
I'm sorry that it came true
But sorry doesn't turn back time.

For all that I have done to you
I wish that I could make it right.

So sorry that I loved you
Sorry that I needed you
Sorry that I held you tight.

And I'm so sorry for,
Making you love me and saying goodbye.
For being the one that taught you how to cry
It was love love love and it passed us by.

For giving you every thing that you dreamed
For taking it back when I fled the scene
Sorry love, for wasting your time.

An apology now after all of this time
Won't make my difference tonight
But I'm hoping "I'm Sorry." will open your mind
To love love love love in your life.

I'm sorry that I hurt you
Sorry that I loved you.


The last message from me to you. Sorry.

Goodbye.

The Story Of Us.

从前从前，女孩跟男孩是非常好的朋友。一天不见面总觉得欠缺了什么般。
他们一起吃饭，一起逛街，一起看戏，一起做些无聊事。
终于，男孩跟女孩从好朋友发展成恋人。
男孩很温柔细心，把女孩照顾得无微不至，总是保护着她。
而女孩很爱玩，每天缠着男孩做些有的没的。
他们也开始认识彼此身边的朋友。

开心的时光总过的太快。
一眨眼，两年过去了。
男孩不知不觉中把女孩给忽略了。
女孩也不知不觉中开始不懂得珍惜了。把男孩做的所有事情当作理所当然。
他们开始吵架了。不愉快的事情接二连三的发生。
男孩脾气变坏了，女孩哭了。

这时唯一安慰女孩的也只有男孩的另一位好朋友。
到最后，男孩后悔了。努力挽回女孩的心。
可是女孩却走得太远，回不了头。
也或许，
是不想回头。

结果，彼此给了感情一次又一次的机会。
男孩不断的努力，想尽办法把女孩变回当初认识的女孩。
有天，男孩发现原来女孩真的离开太远了。
精疲力尽的男孩，竟然不觉得痛苦也不觉得失望。
只是不想再努力了，彻底的放弃挽留女孩。
至少对自己是种解脱。

顿然明白已已渐渐把男孩推开的女孩突然记得当初的美好。
问自己
为什么当时如此愚蠢。
为什么不懂得珍惜身边的男孩。
为什么忘了爱护男孩。
为什么亲手把感情给摧毁。

于是女孩尝试挽留男孩。
可是已完全放弃的男孩再也不想像以前那样纠缠下去。
他们，结束了。

女孩后悔了，崩溃了，哭了。
可是这全都无法再把男孩留下来。
想起以往的回忆，快乐的，不快乐的都有。通通都值得留念。
甚至当初的友情都完全消失掉了。

兜兜转转，得到的又是什么？
从开始只想要跟男孩快乐过日子到贪心得不断要求更好的女孩
到最后失去的比得到的更多。
剩下的又是什么？

使得每个人都伤痕累累，两败俱伤。
最初的单纯去了哪里？
而当初的笑容跟着时光的流去消失掉了吗？

如果说能把时间倒流，
我猜
女孩也一定想要回到两年前的他们吧。
回到那时快快乐乐牵着手的女孩跟男孩。
就算吵架也好，哭泣也好，
总比现在的后悔末及来的好。

请珍惜身边爱你的人。

So this is how it feels to be completely burnt out.

Times change.

That's all I have left to say.

"Millionaires" by Example just randomly played.

And I realised I was too afraid to hear that song.

And the next thing I knew, tears starting rolling down and I couldn't control myself.

I'm sorry.

It's hours like this when my thoughts haunt me and feeds on my sleep,

Making the past clearer than ever in the dark.

Talk about the future like we had a clue,
Never planned that one day I'd be losing you.

It's time to face the music, I'm no longer your muse.

I wish you could see what I see.

And believe in what I believe.

一个人, 偶尔感到寂寞在所难免.

Hurt.

I've been facing this blank page so almost half an hour already and the only word I can come up with is that. Thinking of the past "conversations" we had, just felt like the person I used to love was gone. Completely gone. And it's just a complete stranger whom I've been talking to, replying me just for the sake of replying.

Maybe, you were right - I don't deserve anything. And you have every right to be the way you are right now. The very thought of you smiling to your phone while texting another girl kills me. I can't force you and neither can I accept it. Guess I should just continue ignoring and filtering that thought out of me - eventually filtering every thought of you out of my mind too. And move on, like how you did so effortlessly.

Teach me. How to completely stop loving someone who you've been loving so deeply for the past two years in just a day or two? And how to forget how much you care about that someone and act like they don't matter at all anymore to you? I need to learn that from you. You seem to be so good in that.

You gave us up. You pushed me away.

And i wonder if I ever cross your mind.

Remember when...

You waited for me for 2 hours right below the bar just to make sure I'm home safely and it was your birthday? You didn't want to call me and just waited downstairs because you didn't want to spoil my farewell with one of my bestest friend who was leaving for UK. Funny how I accidentally made the birthday boy wait for me for so long and you never complained a word about it.

You crashed the trip and went to the Butterfly and Bird Park with me and another friend out of the blue? I still find it funny that you were so afraid of butterflies despite them being so tiny. I even remember I threatened to give you a box of butterflies for your birthday. And do you remember the bird which blocked my way and you tried carrying me over just to scare me?

You were so bored that you accompanied me and watched 3 chick flicks back to back in 6 hours? I remember it was exactly this time of the year, nearing Christmas. We bought tickets so many times the guy even remembered us already.

You weren't feeling well and you desperately wanted someone to eat with you so you drove all the way to my place just to have claypot loushu fun? The shop's already closed for good now and I guess, we'll never be able to return to the shop and have another serving of loushu fun together anymore.

You would walk miles in Australia just to find somewhere with computer and internet connection just so you could talk to me for 5 minutes because you missed me? I remember I was in Singapore back then and night time was all I was waiting for, because you were away for 3 weeks and that was the only time I managed to talk to you. 5 minutes of complete bliss.

You were so annoyed by me countless times and at the same time, I was so angry at you because of things you never done? Come to think of it now, it was such a waste of time when it could have been quality time spent with each other.

You were so afraid to go up Tamingsari and would rather everyone call you a pussy? You were so awesome when you finally managed to take the ride the second time we revisited the place. Even though you had sweaty palms immediately and held on so tight haha.

You were freaked out of your soul when we took the ride in Genting? I can never forget that funny moment. And I also can never forget how much you hated cable car rides. Sad thing I never got to make you take a cable car ride with me.

You showed me Aaron the Round for the very first time during Valentines' Day 2 years back? I fell in love with him immediately because he was too cute and adorable. And since then, I've been hugging him to sleep every night without fail.

You were working in a gym and I had to stay there for hours just to wait for you to finish work? I was even forced to try working out as much as I hated it. But you know what? It was one of the best times I've had. Sometimes when you were free, we'd just sit around and chill or play random games with your iPad. There was even a time when you were so desperate to beat me in Sudoku and Smurfs.

Too many memories. Too many playbacks. Too many smiles. These are merely a few of the vast memories we shared and built together. I know I should never dwell on these matters anymore. I never. I never deliberately take a trip down to memory lane. In fact, I tried so hard to run away from all the fleeting memories.

Truth is, I can't get over them.

Now tell me, would the only cure be lobotomy?