Friday, December 30, 2011

We found love in a hopeless place.

Yeap, it's the time for the mandatory year end post again.

I know I shouldn't start by being whiny and all but I think year 2011 hasn't exactly been treating me too well. Things took at 360 degree change through the entire year and things aren't really the same anymore. I don't know if the change is for the better or for worse, but yeah, let's keep an optimistic mind and hope it's for the better.

I don't even think that I wanna flashback through the entire year which has just passed us by. It was nothing but a big mess filled with tears and a sprinkle of laughter. Quite an emotional year I must say. Due to various reasons. But what I'm sure of is that, time really did fly - too fast in fact. Hello's and goodbye's, too many to count.

Excitement, anxiety, heartbreak, disappointment, drama - check.

Moving away from the darker side, 2011 wasn't exactly filled with 365 days of sadness/shit. It was heartwarming that I managed to catch up with the few of my close friends who flew back from overseas, some back for good. Unfortunately all of them came back different times of the year so we couldn't really all be together to catch up for old times' sake. Well, better this than not seeing them at all. Through the year, I also managed to gain a lot of experience in the working field and obviously helped me build my future path slowly. Back to studying for me next year I guess.

Partying has mellowed down by a lot through the year (It's the age I swear). Honestly, though still being rather young, I feel a tad bit too old to be partying like old times already. Sometimes I really wonder how I found the energy and stamina to be partying so hard like I did back then. Not that it's something to be proud about but yeah, still am proud to say I've lived my time and had my share of fun. Now it's more like mamak with a glass of limau ais :)

Relationships. Things come and go in life, and I guess relationships are just one of it. It's pretty obvious from all the previous posts I guess but yes, my relationship with the Smelly has ended. It was a great relationship we had and of course we've had our happy times together, but well, things had to come to an end. Things definitely weren't pretty but all in all, we'll be fine and we'll come out of this as better individuals I hope. Let's hope we'll meet someone new in the future and be happy with them. Who knows, they might even just be right next to us :)

Oh and I can drive much much better now compared to last year already! Yay.

As for New Year's resolution, just as last year's, I choose to have none. Not because I'm lazy just that I don't see a point in it anymore. What's the point in making New Year's resolution when most of us don't keep to it? Ask yourself, how many people actually last through the year keeping them?

Oh yeah, did I mention how my year have been filled with 9gag nonsense too? Which explains all the meme being placed in this post. To those who've never heard of 9gag, no matter what you do, do not, I mean do NOT enter the site. It's evil. It sucks all the soul in you and it's an endless dark pit in there. So for your goodness' sake, please refrain yourself from entering the site. I kid you not. Speaking from experience.

Anyhoots, a great sorry to anyone whom I've offended in any way through the year and a big thank you for all those who've been there when I was down. Have a blessed blessed new year to come!

And here, not in any specific sequence (in other words, random):

To you, honestly I have to say that I am indeed disappointed and sad in what we've became. Distance may separate people from each other, but I never knew it would tear us apart this much. I really miss the friendship we had few years back, we were closer than ever. Then distance came along and both of us met new people in our lives and eventually have different views/goals in life. Goodbye my friend. Take care while you're far far away. I'll always miss you, or at least who I once thought you were - my bestest friend once upon a time.

To you, this is also another time when "Sorry" wouldn't make things any better. I guess it has also been a rough year for you too. Since you've always been cryptic (and I know you are extremely smart), I know you'll be able to decipher this. It's not hard. May the sun shine again after the long great storm. Thank you for always being there supporting me when there was nobody else to hold me, despite yourself being burnt out. And no, I don't need no time machine. It's the future which matters, not the past. And I think I know where my future lies :)

To you, thank you so much for being such a great friend in the past few years. Always there when I needed you to (even though I was ditched once by you but I think we've pestered you enough on that time). I am also grateful that you have never worn a mask since Day 1 I met you and have always been true to your emotions. Cheesy much but may we always be this way even as time goes by.

To you, a thousand or a million "Sorry" would never bring you back or make things better. Thank you so much for the past 2 years. Meeting you and being your friend was probably a blessing in disguise and I was so lucky to have been loved by you once so dearly. I'll always remember your Two Is Better Than One song haha! Let's not mention the sorry part anymore, not in this post at least. It's been a rough year for us I'm sure and may you be much happier in the year to come. May your every day be filled with smiles and laughter. Take care please and thank you once again, for everything :)

Mmm, two new colour codes replacing the old ones heheh.

That's a wrap for the whole year! May 2012 not be the end of the world be a great year ahead with many many good things waiting for us! Lovers, be naughty and singles out there, go mingle!

Start thinking who you'd be kissing tomorrow night teehee :D

Me gusta!

To those thinking why in the world did I end the post with such an ugly face, it isn't exactly ugly. Do go to and read up on me gusta wtf. Yeah, have a great NYE celebration!


Sorry that I loved you.

For all of the time that I tried for your smile
For making you think that I was worth the while
So your love love love love love would be mine.

For sending you flowers and holding your hand
That no one was there to take a stand
But then love love love made us blind.

And I'm so sorry that I hurt you
Sorry that I fell through
Sorry I was falling in love with you.
I'm sorry that it came true
But sorry doesn't turn back time.

For all that I have done to you
I wish that I could make it right.

So sorry that I loved you
Sorry that I needed you
Sorry that I held you tight.

And I'm so sorry for,
Making you love me and saying goodbye.
For being the one that taught you how to cry
It was love love love and it passed us by.

For giving you every thing that you dreamed
For taking it back when I fled the scene
Sorry love, for wasting your time.

An apology now after all of this time
Won't make my difference tonight
But I'm hoping "I'm Sorry." will open your mind
To love love love love in your life.

I'm sorry that I hurt you
Sorry that I loved you.

The last message from me to you. Sorry.

Thursday, December 29, 2011


The Story Of Us.












Wednesday, December 28, 2011

"It's suspended there to remind us before we pop the champagne and celebrate the new year, to stop and reflect on the year that has gone by.
To remember both our triumphs and our missteps, our promises made and broken. The times we opened ourselves up to great adventures or closed ourselves down for fear of getting hurt because that is what new years is all about- getting another chance.
A chance to forgive, to do better, to do more, to give more, to love more. And stop worrying about what if and start embracing what would be. So when that ball drops at midnight and it will drop, let's remember to be nice to each other, kind to each other. And not just tonight but all year long."

- Hilary Swank, New Year's Eve.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure, and I know there'll be no more tears in heaven.

If I die young,
Bury me in satin,
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song.

There's a boy here in town says he'll love me forever,
Who would've known forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life?

Well, I've had just enough time.

I won't see you tonight.

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight.

Building up inside of me

A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free.
Don't mourn for me,
You're not the one to place the blame
As bottles call my name I won't see you tonight.

Sorrow sank deep inside my blood

All the ones around me
I cared for and most of all I loved
But I can't see myself that way
Please don't forget me or cry while I'm away.

So far away, I'm gone.
Please don't follow me tonight
And while I'm gone everything will be alright.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

So this is how it feels to be completely burnt out.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Times change.

That's all I have left to say.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

"Millionaires" by Example just randomly played.

And I realised I was too afraid to hear that song.

And the next thing I knew, tears starting rolling down and I couldn't control myself.

I'm sorry.

It's hours like this when my thoughts haunt me and feeds on my sleep,

Making the past clearer than ever in the dark.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Talk about the future like we had a clue,

Never planned that one day I'd be losing you.

It's time to face the music, I'm no longer your muse.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I wish you could see what I see.

And believe in what I believe.

一个人, 偶尔感到寂寞在所难免.


I've been facing this blank page so almost half an hour already and the only word I can come up with is that. Thinking of the past "conversations" we had, just felt like the person I used to love was gone. Completely gone. And it's just a complete stranger whom I've been talking to, replying me just for the sake of replying.

Maybe, you were right - I don't deserve anything. And you have every right to be the way you are right now. The very thought of you smiling to your phone while texting another girl kills me. I can't force you and neither can I accept it. Guess I should just continue ignoring and filtering that thought out of me - eventually filtering every thought of you out of my mind too. And move on, like how you did so effortlessly.

Teach me. How to completely stop loving someone who you've been loving so deeply for the past two years in just a day or two? And how to forget how much you care about that someone and act like they don't matter at all anymore to you? I need to learn that from you. You seem to be so good in that.

You gave us up. You pushed me away.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Forget the what if's, and focus on what will be.

- New Year's Eve movie 2011.

Monday, December 12, 2011

And i wonder if I ever cross your mind.

Remember when...

You waited for me for 2 hours right below the bar just to make sure I'm home safely and it was your birthday? You didn't want to call me and just waited downstairs because you didn't want to spoil my farewell with one of my bestest friend who was leaving for UK. Funny how I accidentally made the birthday boy wait for me for so long and you never complained a word about it.

You crashed the trip and went to the Butterfly and Bird Park with me and another friend out of the blue? I still find it funny that you were so afraid of butterflies despite them being so tiny. I even remember I threatened to give you a box of butterflies for your birthday. And do you remember the bird which blocked my way and you tried carrying me over just to scare me?

You were so bored that you accompanied me and watched 3 chick flicks back to back in 6 hours? I remember it was exactly this time of the year, nearing Christmas. We bought tickets so many times the guy even remembered us already.

You weren't feeling well and you desperately wanted someone to eat with you so you drove all the way to my place just to have claypot loushu fun? The shop's already closed for good now and I guess, we'll never be able to return to the shop and have another serving of loushu fun together anymore.

You would walk miles in Australia just to find somewhere with computer and internet connection just so you could talk to me for 5 minutes because you missed me? I remember I was in Singapore back then and night time was all I was waiting for, because you were away for 3 weeks and that was the only time I managed to talk to you. 5 minutes of complete bliss.

You were so annoyed by me countless times and at the same time, I was so angry at you because of things you never done? Come to think of it now, it was such a waste of time when it could have been quality time spent with each other.

You were so afraid to go up Tamingsari and would rather everyone call you a pussy? You were so awesome when you finally managed to take the ride the second time we revisited the place. Even though you had sweaty palms immediately and held on so tight haha.

You were freaked out of your soul when we took the ride in Genting? I can never forget that funny moment. And I also can never forget how much you hated cable car rides. Sad thing I never got to make you take a cable car ride with me.

You showed me Aaron the Round for the very first time during Valentines' Day 2 years back? I fell in love with him immediately because he was too cute and adorable. And since then, I've been hugging him to sleep every night without fail.

You were working in a gym and I had to stay there for hours just to wait for you to finish work? I was even forced to try working out as much as I hated it. But you know what? It was one of the best times I've had. Sometimes when you were free, we'd just sit around and chill or play random games with your iPad. There was even a time when you were so desperate to beat me in Sudoku and Smurfs.

Too many memories. Too many playbacks. Too many smiles. These are merely a few of the vast memories we shared and built together. I know I should never dwell on these matters anymore. I never. I never deliberately take a trip down to memory lane. In fact, I tried so hard to run away from all the fleeting memories.

Truth is, I can't get over them.

Now tell me, would the only cure be lobotomy?

I'd go back to December all the time.

I'm so glad you made time to see me.
How's life? Tell me bout your family,
I haven't seen them in a while.

You've been good, busier than ever.
We small talk, work and the weather.
Your guard is up and I know why.

Because the last time you saw me still burn in the back of your mind.
You gave me roses and I left them there to die.

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night,"
And I go back to December all the time.

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you.
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I go back to December all the time.

These days I haven't been sleeping,
Staying up, playing back myself leaving.
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.

And I think about summer, all the beautiful times,
I watched you laughing from the passenger side.
Realized that I loved you in the fall.

And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was "Goodbye".

I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile,
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night,
The first time you ever saw me cry.

Maybe this is wishful thinking,
Probably mindless dreaming,
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right.

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't.
So if the chain is on your door I understand.

- Back To December, Taylor Swift.

December was always such a great month for us. Our anniversary and of course, our favourite celebration - Christmas. I still remember how we tried to slow dance (and failed) on Christmas Eve at your house when nobody was watching. Bet you forgotten, didn't you? :)

잘가요, 내사랑.

"Happy 2nd Anniversary, baby.

Let's have many more of today in our days to come together and never let go of one another, till whenever.

I love you.


...And that could have been the line I'd be posting in this space right now. I guess, it's Happy it could have been Anniversary is all that's left now.

Oftentimes, I wonder what plans you'd have in mind for today. Where you'd bring me to, what you'd do or what you'd buy, and never to forget, the roses you know I love so well. I'd also wonder what I would've gotten as our anniversary gift, or what tantrum I'd pull off on you just for the fun of it so you can come up with random words to make me happy (haha) or what I'd complain you didn't do enough.

All's nothing but an illusion conjured from nothingness,
Filled with emotions so real as if it really happened,
Scenes playing repeatedly in my head,
Smiles, hugs and kisses,
All vanished with just the blink of an eye -

Back to reality.

I'm sorry, that this day could never come anymore. I'm sorry I had to do things like this. It suddenly came gushing to my head all the names I've once made for you, the most frequently used ones being Smelly or Skunkie (not Lord Skunkie too bad). Haha funny how you actually response to these names. Sorry, just a random thought.

Oh yeah, and for the past few days, the idiot conversation kept coming to my head and when I read back the whole conversation back then, I laughed so hard. Laughing cuz it was so extremely beautiful back then. How you, my very best friend, accompanied me till wee hours in the morning and started talking nonsense cuz you were already so tired. Then came the idiot conversation where I was so blur when you were trying so hard to hint to me. And then I thought of how you pretended to jia jia hold my hand in the cinema (and even after we came out of the cinema) because I was cold. And how you'd call me lou por because I was so bossy even though I wasn't your girlfriend haha. Little did we know, 2 years down the road, we'd be where we are now. But I guess it was all worth it. And if I was given the same chance, I'd make the same decision as I did back then - which was to be your idiot :)

Anyway, I'm glad you're happier now :')

Remember all the things we wanted,
Now our memories they're haunted,
We were always meant to say goodbye.

Looking at you makes it harder,
But I know that you'll find another,
That doesn't always make you want to cry.

Started with a perfect kiss then,
We could feel the poison set in,
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive.

You know that I love you so,
Love you enough to let you go.

And I want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better.

- Already Gone, Kelly Clarkson.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Goodbye my lover.

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.

I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.



I guess you'd still remember what day tomorrow could have been.



Friday, December 09, 2011

Wish you were here.

I guess I really have to come to terms with the very fact that we really ended, that there's no more we in this. No more you and I, no more we. Maybe I find it particularly hard to do so because it's been too long. Maybe just a mere 2 years to others, but it felt so much more already.

My blogging pattern have been so screwed up recently that it's basically just conversations I wanted to get through to you. I guess it's time to blog normally all over again.

I admit, it's extremely hard. This year haven't been exactly an easy one. As it is, it didn't even start off well already. Then it just got worst. In a sense that things started to screw up more and more.

I'm sorry, I'm really really sorry. I think I've said the most number of Sorry's this whole week than I ever had in my entire life. Not like it could change anything, but that was all I could do. Or cry day and night. You have no idea how terrible I feel deep inside. If I could, I would've dug this whole rotten heart out and slash out whichever part which fucked up, causing us to be where we are right now.

I'm sorry you had to fight so hard for too long on your own. I'm sorry for all the times I made you feel that way. A million sorry's and endless tears would never make a difference anymore. I'm already paying the price of my actions.

Come to think of it. Was it all really worth it? Through this whole duration, trust was shattered, friendship ties broken, smiles lost and happiness bailed on us. We've all lost more than we gained. You said you're too tired and you've lost all energy. It's just the same for me. I guess I finally know how it feels, to fight till I'm battle-scarred and finally reach the state that I feel so numbed inside out already.

So numbed that I really can't be bothered with anything anymore. Come what may.

Ultimately, I wish for your happiness and I hope you'll meet someone super awesome in the future. Someone as great as yourself. Cuz you deserve much much better. I hope she'll treat you right and love you the way you deserve to be, and lastly, love you for the part which I failed to do.

I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. I don't know how else to express how sorry I am anymore.

And maybe, in my next life, if I ever get a chance to, I promise I'll do much better than this. I promise I'll stick to all the promises we've made together and make sure we achieve it. Like Rose. As stupid or childish as it may sound, I promise I'll be good enough to be your girl - in my next life.

I wish you all the best, my once upon a time love.

You smelly skunk.

Angels cry.

Oh the lyrics it kills.



Thursday, December 08, 2011



You were once the person whom
I've kissed, loved and hurt.
The lover whom I've had but lost.
This is too cruel
That now you
have every right to remain distant.


I was once the person whom
You've kissed, loved and hated
The lover whom you've hugged but wronged you.
I have not a single right to ask
If she is the right person anymore.


Only realised how much I couldn't take you leaving
When love started drifting away, splitting us into two.


I guess Google translate could never translate the last line into something which makes sense, and you probably can't care less anymore than to check this space, let alone be bothered by what it means.

I don't know what to feel already.


Broken Strings.

A song that matches us perfectly. So ironic.

Let me hold you for the last time,
It's the last chance to feel again.

But you broke me, now I can't feel anything.
When I love you, it's so untrue,
I can't even convince myself.
When I'm speaking, it's the voice of someone else.

Oh it tears me up.
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much.
I tried to forgive but it's not enough to make it all okay.

You can't play on broken strings,
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel.
I can't tell you something that ain't real.

Oh the truth hurts, lies worst.
How can I give anymore when I love you a little less than before?

What are we doing?
We are turning into dust.
Playing house in the ruins of us.

Turning back to the fire when there's nothing left to save.
It's like chasing the very last train when we both know it's too late.


Would it still matter to you?


Why do they make it sound so easy?

It's so sad that even words, promises and faith wouldn't work anymore.

But baby, I loved you.


I don't know how else to fight anymore.

Nothing seems to be right already.

Funny how two years down the road, I see my heart in pieces on the floor again.

Thrown by the very same person who once picked everything up and patiently mended them back together again.

I hope you're happy.

Well, I guess you are. I mean, you said you haven't been happy in the longest time ever.

And right now you are - without me.

Well, I know I'm not. How could I be happy without you, when you have been my happiness in the past 2 years?

I guess it's karma, that you broke my heart so badly this time around, and I'm not blaming anyone.

I really hope you're happy.

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

And it seemed everlasting, that you would always be mine.

My heart shattered when Always Be My Baby was playing.

I'm so tired.

Good night you.

Why must we constantly misunderstand each other?

Monday, December 05, 2011

If only all the problems would go away like the hair they've cut off.

With just a snip of the blade.

On another note, I've gotten a new haircut.

You'll probably laugh at me saying I look more alien monkey or something. I wouldn't know.

Took me a rough 3-4 hours to get my hair done, and I realised my head never stopped through those hours.

And you know what's funny?

I can't even figure out what I've been trying to figure out. Like poof. My head just went blank.

Save me.

It's been a week, 7 days.

And guess what's 7 days down the road.

It could have been waiting for us.

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor.

I wish we could be like them.

I wish we could brave through the differences.

I wish we could smile like we did in the pictures.

I wish we could have lasted through.

I really thought we would.

Silly as, but once upon a time, I really thought we'd pull through and one day I'll be your lady in white and we'll have a happy future together.

Wishful thinking.

Imy, alot.

We almost had it all.

I'm about to lose my mind, you've been gone for so long.

Funny how this Christmas, penguin toys seem to be everywhere and every shop suddenly decides to sell penguins.

Gets me wondering whether is it part of a joke played on me.

To constantly remind me effortlessly.

Remember how we were looking for penguin toys everywhere and we couldn't find them?

And now, they're everywhere.

As if they're sneering at how I lost so much, at how penguins would now be past tense.

So messed up, everything is.

My head hurts.

When will it ever stop spinning?

Friday, December 02, 2011

I think I should go to bed before I start crying uncontrollably again.

Yeah... I think I should.

Good night you.


- maybe at a different dimension, i'm still holding your hand.

If only we could have had the time to travel somewhere together,

Smiling together,

Thinking that our time together will never come to an end,

And we'd have every tomorrow.


"People say that bad memories causes the most pain, but actually it's the good ones that drive you insane."

- Unknown.

What I'd do to have you here.

I don't want to think anymore.

My head's everywhere. And you probably think I'm stupid, mindless, or anything harsh you can think of.

You don't, and won't want to understand my thoughts for known reasons. And I can't ask for you to understand.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I don't think the same way you do.

For today, please let my head take a rest. And my heart too.


Thursday, December 01, 2011

Leave some morphine at my door.

- cuz it'll take a whole lot of medication, to realise what we used to have, we don't have it anymore.

Just like the clouds, my eyes would the same

If you walk away

Everyday it'll rain.

Tonight I wanna cry.

Hey you,

How I wished everything could be just like these two cute figurines in the picture. Simple and lovely.

Sometimes, I really wish I could turn back time, rewind everything and undo what was done. But sadly, in reality it isn't really like that. I hate how everything and anything anywhere reminds me so badly of us and how we used to be. Even the smallest detail would remind me a slight scene of what we once had. Because we knew each other that much.

How are you doing? I really hope you are doing fine. Being healthy and not hurting yourself.

I admit, that I miss everything. What we once had, what we always do, even if it was just plain routine life, our past and mostly, you. I don't know how we ended up this way. I hate the fact that I wake up crying everyday being in the worst form ever.

Great regret, self hate, disgust. It's like a cycle which haunts me alongside the memories we had every single day since.

I really really hope you're doing much better than me.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I had to break my promises and can't fulfill the future we promised each other anymore.

With love, your alien monkey face.