Friday, November 26, 2010

I'm everything I am because you loved me.

All of a sudden, on one fine day some time ago, everything went upside down.


I seem to be breaking your heart and making you upset most of the time recently. Then I get upset with myself for being such a black sheep but can't seem to do anything to make it right. I just want you to be happy.

Then I seem to be so paranoid about things I almost drive myself crazy. Till it's getting hard to breathe cuz I'm holding you too tightly. And I'll feel so sorry but it's not fixing anything. I'm starting to dislike myself too for doing this.

Then even my computer decides to pull off a fail moment where everything fails me. My messenger suddenly stops working few days ago (I can't seem to be able to sign in after I tried to update it to the latest version). My Windows Update is refusing to update (and therefore, I will never be able to move on with fixing my Messenger). The show I've been following day and night suddenly goes missing in my PPS (and it's the final episodes this week). Firefox decides to crash just about now. What's next?

Could someone at least tell me why?

Or at the very least, cheer you up for a bit. I'm sorry for all the things I might've said that hurt your feelings. I never in my life meant it. I wished I could wash it all off and draw a smile on your face. I wished it could've been easier.

I'm such a mess, all over again. And there's no point trying to tell anyone about it because they'll never understand how it feels and probably think I'm such a weakling.

But the one thing that I really detest: upsetting you. It tears me up. You have no idea how the guilt eats me from the inside.


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