And She's Still There...

I realise that, when things screw up for me to a certain extent - I start binge eating.

Which is what contributed to my horrid increase in weight for the past few months. People's been telling me that I've gained weight, yes I know I did. I eat when I'm emo. I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I'm screwed up. I basically eat when I'm fucked up, yeah.

Thus, the gaining in weight. Why, can't it be the other way round? Then I can lose all the fats away wtf.

In case you didn't know, I've had dinner today. Came home, had an energy bar (cuz it was just there), and had chocolate. All less than 5 hours, wtf. And now I feel like eating whatever I see. Fuck this.

I wonder... why, when it comes to this point of age, love becomes such an abstract thing that I'll never understand. It becomes so complicated, so confusing. Wtf is wrong?

Commitment issues, scandals, uncertainty. What else? Bring it all on. I'd be lucky enough to hit a straight flush in my relationship issues.

Perhaps... perhaps I just don't deserve anything :)

Was talking to a friend and we've started discussing emo stuff. And we came to the point where we were thinking, what's the point of picking things up just to let it be broken once again?

For once, it was broken - so badly it was beyond repair.
Thought there was a glimpse of light, and started picking it up.
For twice, it was broken once again.
Took so much effort, and tried picking it up all over again.

But just when I was about to start putting things back,
It just had to be broken once more.

So tell me, sweetheart, what's the point?

Just when I've decided to not be afraid, to take my first step across the tightrope I've been struggling on... it's okay. It has always been this way, I'm used to it.

I thought I was careful. Yes, I was more careful. But not careful enough to not let myself get cut when the pieces broke. Or rather - no, it isn't broken yet. Just that, I lost myself when you got lost. You were having doubts about showing me the light, and I was clueless about clearing your doubts. I didn't know what to do, neither did you. So there we are - lingering, hanging there.

It'll be fine. I've dealt with worst. When you walked away. The harsh truth, I've risen above it. At least I'm not living in the shadow of you anymore.

So now, let me, just let me be in this state where I indulge in my emoness once again. And I'll rise above it, once more.

The rope, it snapped.